Why Porn is Destructive for the Viewer

Over the years I’ve treated many people, mostly men, who have an addiction to porn and difficulty in sexual relations with a partner. I won’t address here what I think is wrong for the people making the porn, and why that is damaging as well.

The usual presentation is that of a man between 20 and mid-40’s, in a relationship and having difficulty sustaining erotic interest or performing to the satisfaction of both partners. His porn viewing usually began in early to mid teens and was his primary introduction to sexuality. It became a habitual pattern, often accompanied by some kind of substance use, and is associated with feelings of guilt. Efforts to stop are unsuccessful and the behavior persists even when he is in a relationship. His habit may cause conflict with his partner, or he may enlist his partner in joining him as part of their sexual practices. 

From a neurologic perspective, the intense visual stimulation separated from all other aspects of intimacy creates a habituation to this form of arousal. It is a kind of split within the self; erotic images of high intensity and frequency, divorced from the emotional reality of another person, makes the man unresponsive to the multi-dimensional but gentler stimulation of a living human person.

On one level, overstimulation alone is a problem. If one is addicted to cocaine or methamphetamine, green tea will provide no lift at all. On a more problematic level, porn viewing furthers a split within the male (heterosexual) psyche- I am less familiar with the dynamics of porn viewing in other sexual orientations- known as the “madonna-whore complex.” This refers to the separation of the erotic image, objectified and without the full spectrum of human capacity, from the idealized feminine, i.e. the madonna, mother and nurturer who deserves respect and protection, who is not an object of desire and who must be spared from any aggressive primal sexual urges. 

Fostering this split by viewing porn makes it difficult to have an integrated experience of the other person as a complex entity with a seamlessly shifting kaleidoscopic persona that can include mother, friend, erotic being, sorceress, antagonist or any other aspect of the feminine one may encounter in the course of an intimate relationship. 

In my experience, healing this split requires complete abstinence from porn viewing. This often involves a period of withdrawal symptoms as in any addiction, with discomfort and urges to resume it. It is best to substitute another activity in its place, preferably not involving a computer. Options could include learning a musical instrument, reading great literature including great erotic literature (e.g. D.H. Lawrence or Anaïs Nin), exercise, night walks, meditation, yoga or painting, and any of these can be shared with a partner.

All addictions lead to a limitation in experiencing the full range of beauty, joy, ecstatic feelings and most importantly, connection, available to us. The Sanskrit word “Duhkha,”often translated as “suffering,” is conceived in my yoga tradition as “a sense of restriction.” Eliminating that is my goal in this piece.